I mailed Mr Clarkson a few days ago and he replied by saying that “In a list of the five most rubbish things in the world, I'd have America's foreign policy at five. Aids at four. Iran's nuclear programme at three. Gordon Brown at two and" the Science Section of the TIMES "at number one. It is that bad.” He also informed me that he used to have a VIRGIN account when he was single but he changed over to HOTMAIL, as he thought it would spice up his life. According to him, it is a lot of mail but nothing HOT at all. But he now has discovered that they also employ BELINDA MESSENGER and he invited me last night to use her help. We started sending her backwards and forwards between the Clarkson Ranch and my bedroom, and he mailed me a short, but interesting story.
A few years ago he was out drinking with the guys from the Times Science Section. He was feeling miserable because he had just finished testdriving a car that he described as “you don’t want to think what would happen if it bumped into a lamppost. Also its name sounds like a disease." And at that stage the people from the Science Section started saying things like, just copy what the manufacturer says, and you be out drinking and clubbing with your mates before you know it, instead of having to read, think and spend ages on the internet before you can finally write up a report that no one will like. So just copy and all will be fine.
Mr Clarkson then told them that he was taught that a proper journalist was curious by nature, didn’t believe things at face value and wanted to form his own opinion to inform the readers well instead of selling them a lot of hot air. The Science Editor and his mates all burst out laughing and Mr Clarkson was starting to feel really miserable. At least at Top Gear the audience would listen to him.
But he was saved by his mobile. FIAT called and was sending a private plane to pick him, and a few other journalists, up for the presentation of their new car in Italy. He thought Italy, Fiat and Ferrari, NICE wine, beautiful cars and so the petrol in his veins was starting to flow really fast and he got all excited. A bit like you, he said, or is it ME people, when that Institute of Excellence was starting to tell the world they would do a report of some sort about ME.
He had Champagne and caviar on his flight, a wonderful meal in one of the best restaurants in Italy, and the girls were just breathtakingly beautiful. After lunch, all journalists were gathered in these large majestic gardens, and all they saw was this group of the most beautiful women in the world. But there was no car to be seen in miles. Suddenly all these girls started to disappear in the ground and out came a car. To increase the suspense a bit, it was covered in an enormous Italian flag. Vivaldi was playing his four seasons and when he changed from winter to spring, two girls appeared out of nowhere and removed the cover. At that moment, he had to think about the information leaflet Fiat had been handing out to all the journalists, and he had to think about the advise that The Times Science people had given him. Just copy the brochure and all will be fine. But as soon as he saw the car, his journalistic mind took over.
"This is a very ugly car. So ugly in fact that you’ll want to get inside it and shut the door as quickly as possible. But sadly when you are inside it’s even worse. If it were a creature, it wouldn’t be a lion or a praying mantis or even a chimp. No, I think it would be a wasp — useless and hateful in equal measure. I’d love to meet the man who styled the exterior, to find out if he’d done it as some sort of a joke. But mostly I’d like to meet the man who simply didn’t bother at all with the interior. Because looking at that dashboard gives you some idea of what it might be like to be dead." And he said, I get the impression from what I have read and so about the NICE guidelines and ME, that NICE have done a similar job as Fiat. Just look and see for yourself. But he assured me that he would get back to me in the next day or so to let me know what we could do about this.
Have a NICE day,
Dr Speedy.
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