OUR LONDON CORRESPONDENT HAS SOME AMAZING NEWS

This is John Martin reporting live from London with some truly shocking news from the world of so called medicine.

British Professor C.B.T., well known for outstanding work in recruiting new members for ME support groups, has been arrested by the Metropolitan Police service for alleged medical fraud.

Police believe he was attempting to fraudulently obtain the Nobel Prize for Medicine.

And I can exclusively reveal that it was ME, John Martin who provided the police with the evidence used to arrest him.

My suspicions were aroused last week when I read a ten page article in the so called science section of The Sunday Rhymes.

The article showed Professor C.B.T. relaxing at home with an AK-47 and dressed in military fatigues.

The article went on to interview the great man and tell the British people that Professor C.B.T. was to be nominated for the Nobel Prize for Medicine.

Prof C.B.T. claimed that he had been nominated because he was the first doctor in the world to use the same treatment on two different species.

He claimed he had used CBT successfully on squirrels.

Professor C.B.T. said he first became interested in the British squirrel population, because they were "lazy little bastards" who hibernated all winter despite there being no biological reason for their behaviour.

He said the squirrels were showing signs of secondary gains brought on by the kindness of the British public throwing them free nuts over the summer months and not expecting anything in return.

"If those little bastards were made to work throughout the summer months," said Professor C.B.T. wisely, "then there is no way they would be sleeping over the winter.

They reminded me of the ME lot who were allegedly unwell till 6 sessions of CBT got them all back to working full time and taking part in martial arts competitions and joining the SAS."

Professor C.B.T. said that after only 3 sessions of CBT, a treatment named after him, the professor told the reporter of the Sunday Rhymes proudly.

The average squirrel had decreased its nut consumption by a whopping 0.0073% and were climbing trees up to 90% faster.

He denied this was because "the little bastards" were trying to get away from him.

He said that after 6 sessions the average squirrel had enrolled in university and spent November to February working an average 35 hour week rather than "sleeping in f-ing trees."

As soon as I read the article, I immediately called the Police and the Nobel committee in Sweden. I told them I had proof that Professor C.B.T. was a liar.

Although his work with ME patients and squirrels was truly outstanding, he was still economical with the truth, because the FIRST person to achieve this feat was the Australian based media mogul Dr Speedy, who had successfully used CBT (Cool Blogging Therapy) on both humans and hummingbirds.

The police then checked out my claims, discovered they were true and immediately arrested Prof C.B.T..

A spokesman for the so called British Medical Association said:

"It's worrying to know he got his facts wrong.

We're going to look more closely at the data he provided for the squirrel studies then the data he provided for the ME studies. There is a lot of money involved."

A police spokesman said "A man is currently in custody and is helping us with our enquires. He may be charged with talking nuts."

And you see, from then on things got a lot worse.

Our London Correspondent had done an excellent job and he thought that was him for the day.

But he was wrong.

You see, along came another member from the magic wand brigade, who set up camp in Drowning street, just up the road from Downing street.

He took out his costume and turned into a modern day witch, which we now call a CBT therapist, if he is of the sorts who think you can talk neurological problems back to normal that is.

Some have even started talking sessions with the chief of the Island of Langerhans.

And they have managed to talk these little islands, somewhere in your tummy, back to producing insulin again.

A most amazing feature of modern magic wand success.

The trouble though is, that this CBT bloke who set up camp, is a cruise missile of David Copperfield, Catweazle, Albus Dumblemore, when he was still in the closet, Hermione Granger, Merlin, a wizard of the Unseen University and Gandalf.

The other problem you will find with these witches of CBT is, I met two CBT witches ones who were twins - I just couldn't tell which witch was which!

But double oo one seven, 001/7, you know our master blaster of espionage with ME, who is the servant of our London Correspondent, and ME, ME-6 that is, found the solution to witch wood in one of their conference rooms.

There was a big poster on the wall and it says it all really.

“Why do witches go around scaring people? They're just trying to eek out a living.”

And all of a sudden the Four million PACE money, and the ELEVEN MILLION for witchwood starts to make a lot of sense.

Now at this precise moment in time, our great correspondent, who has been mentioned for the Writer of the Year award in science and critical journalism, was enjoying his cupper and waiting for some soccer match to start, while checking the latest news on the ME front from the good old Beeb.

And then he got the scare of his life, when he looked out of his window and saw the following picture.

It could only mean that professor C.B.T. had escaped thanks to the witch of all witches, and he was driving away with his ELEVEN MILLION to a save and secret hideaway.

Our correspondent was even contemplating a session of emergency CBT. For a moment.

And when Belinda was send to ME, I just showed our correspondent the way to real CBT hood. Just watch in utter amazement, especially the intro is fabulous, but the pictures are equally impressive. See for yourself.