Professor Simon Wessely and his CBT logic ...

'The Truth About Penguins'

by Peter Kemp

I wanted to study the nature of penguins

The Canadian definition of penguins is that they are

flightless
they can swim
largest species up to 1.2m tall
they eat mostly fish
they lay 1 or 2 eggs
they generally live in colonies

the 'CDC' definition of these birds is that they are

flightless
they sometimes eat fish
they lay eggs
they can swim

the 'Oxford' definition is that these birds are:

flightless
they lay eggs

The 'Oxford' definition was chosen for the research as the others were too difficult to apply. 100 subjects who met the research criteria were studies in Sub-Saharan Africa.

The research found that penguins:

live in deserts
cannot swim
are up to 2.4m tall
weigh 200 pounds
capable of speeds up to 40mph on land
are mostly vegetarian

Conclusion

The research has discovered the truth about penguins. Those funny black and white birds waddling about the ice and swimming in the sea are making fools of everyone. They are not real penguins and should be excluded from further research into penguins